Make sharing optional by starting with yourself
If you want to make pronoun sharing easier, offer your own first: “Hi, I’m Jordan, and I use they/them pronouns.” Then give the other person a choice about whether to share. This makes it a normal part of introductions without turning one person into the focus. In a group, invite everyone to share if they want, and let people pass without a follow-up question.
Use judgment about the setting. A casual one-to-one introduction may be a comfortable time to ask; a crowded room or rushed exchange may not be. If you are organizing a structured group, you can offer a low-pressure prompt to everyone rather than singling someone out. The goal is to make it easy to tell you what to use, not to require anyone to disclose personal information.
Ask plainly and leave room for no answer
If you need to know and the person has not shared, ask simply: “What pronouns should I use for you?” You can also ask what name they would like you to use. Keep your tone ordinary and give them time to answer. Avoid framing the question as a challenge or making it sound as if they must explain why they use particular words.
Do not guess based on someone’s appearance, voice, name, or how other people refer to them. If they prefer not to say, use their name or neutral wording until you know. You can ask again later only when there is a genuine reason and a more suitable moment. Repeatedly asking after someone has declined can make the question feel like pressure rather than courtesy.
- I’m Sam, and I use she/her. What pronouns would you like me to use?
- No need to share if you’d rather not. What name should I use for you?
Use the answer naturally in conversation
Once someone tells you their pronouns, use them in the same ordinary way you use anyone else’s. You do not need to repeat the information back several times or turn the introduction into a long discussion. If you are unsure about a set you have not used before, practice privately or look for a reliable guide rather than asking the person to teach you during a social moment.
Some people may use more than one set or prefer different words in different settings. You can ask what to use in the context you are in, especially if you know the answer may vary. Do not assume that someone’s choice in one group is permission to share it elsewhere. Let them decide who knows and when, just as you would with other personal information.
Correct a mistake briefly and keep going
If you use the wrong pronoun, correct yourself, apologize briefly, and continue with what you meant to say. For example: “She—sorry, they—are joining us after work.” A short repair keeps attention on the conversation and shows that you heard the correction. Avoid pretending it did not happen or repeating the mistake after someone has clarified.
A long explanation or repeated apology can put the other person in the position of comforting you. You can acknowledge the correction without asking them to reassure you that it is fine. If the mistake affected them, listen if they want to say more, then make the effort to use the right words in the future. The repair is mainly shown through what you do next.
Do not share someone else’s pronouns for them
If a friend has shared their pronouns with you, do not automatically announce them to a new group. They may want you to use those words with certain people but not others. Ask before sharing on their behalf, especially in a public introduction, group chat, workplace, or online post. Do not reveal an old name or other identity detail as part of explaining what pronouns to use.
When introducing two people, you can make the introduction without discussing anyone’s identity: “This is Riley; you both like hiking.” Let each person decide what they want to share. Respecting privacy is part of using pronouns thoughtfully, because a correct word is not helpful if it exposes personal information someone chose to keep private.
Keep the conversation about getting to know each other
Pronouns can be one small part of a friendly introduction. After you have asked or shared, move into the conversation you were hoping to have: ask what brought someone to the event, what they enjoy doing, or how they know the host. This helps avoid making a new acquaintance feel as if their identity is the only thing you want to discuss.
If you are unsure, choose a respectful question, listen to the answer, and use the words the person gives you. You do not need perfect phrasing to be considerate; you do need to make room for someone’s choice and take a correction seriously. A calm, optional exchange helps people meet one another without asking anyone to defend or explain who they are.
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